So … here t’is. The early stages of 2017 and the annual opportunity to start anew, start afresh, ply oneself with resolutions and promises-to-self about all the things one is going to do and be and have this year.
Or, t’would be if one were to embark upon such frivolity. If you’ve been reading for a while, you’d know it’s not something I generally do.
I more a “why wait?” kind of person, and if I want to do something, I do it there and then. I don’t wait for Monday, next week, the first of next month, the new year … because, well, why wait?
Having said all that, I am at a little of a loss – still – as to who or what I am.
I know towards the latter part of last year, I reached a point where I was so revoltingly sick of myself that I woke up one day and decided I’d had enough of being like that.
Some changes had happened in my life which had had the effect of removing some toxicity from my life (hurrah!), reducing some sizeable stresses (woo hoo!), and taking up an horrendously huge amount of my time (a bit of a wah! woo!)
This last point is a mixed blessing. It means I don’t have time to overthink, or overthink my overthinking, or worry too much about “what if?” and the like.
It also takes up a lot of my time, leaving me trying to think about what I need to do. Because I have so much to do, and so much I want to do, I never know what to actually do first, or what I even want to do, because let’s be honest, I WANT TO DO ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW!
(By the way, if you’re ever bored, I have a HEAP of ideas that need something done with them.)
This blog has been in my thoughts a lot, too. I’m not really sure what’s happening with it, or what my plans are for it. It’s always been cathartic for me, and, yes, I think I need to continue to allow it to be … for me, and for whomever else it is of benefit to.
Although, my trust in sharing my darker experiences was shattered last year, so … well, it’s been difficult to just use this space as my safe place. Which kinda sucks, now I put it in actual writing.
What I do know (and was inspired by a lovely colleague of mine – Laney) is that I know stuff that I know makes a difference to others, and can improve their lives, or change their perspective, or make them a little happier, or less alone, or feeling more adequate/less inadequate, and I have experienced things that simply sharing out loud has minimal to profound positive effects on others … and one of the things that made me so sick of myself was that I was too scared to say these things out loud.
I worried it would affect my relationships with others.
I worried that it would impact on my professional lives.
I worried that it would upset or hurt others.
I worried I’d look like an idiot.
I worried that it would draw unwanted attention.
I worried that I would be criticised.
I worried about a lot of things.
Let’s be honest. I am still extremely worried about these things.
However, my disgust and frustration towards myself has grown beyond the worry, and, yes, I think it’s time to speak up some more.
It’s definitely time.
Because to not, whilst it may be playing safe and not allowing myself to be hurt, condemned, or criticised, and the risk of upsetting others is signifcantly reduced, there are people who are being hurt, and being hurt more, by my keeping quite.
I still don’t know what my plans are for this year, or how it’s all going to play out. I have no schedule just yet, no plan, nothing organised or structured in any sort of way.
All I know is I need to be brave and speak up about the things I know, that mater to me, and that I am passionate about.
So, you’ll be getting them. I don’t know when or how often, for there is no plan or schedule. Just as I feel the need.
How’s that sound for you?
Also, I don’t really think you’re getting a “new” me. I’m just me, take it or leave it.
What about you? You got any idea of what’s happening for you this year? Or this week? Or perhaps just this evening? Cos I don’t 🙂