It’s a rare morning that I don’t find myself stopping, mid-Vegemite spreading, and think Who the hell says things like that?
Or, more specifically who the hell is ever placed in a position where they have to say things like that?!
Mothers is the answer to that question.
Also, Fathers. They get their fare share of saying ridiculous things, too.
Parents, generally. Let’s go with ‘parent’s as a general thing.
In my household, it is generally me left saying random, inexplicable things … yet, at the same time, they are extremely explicable and very appropriate responses to the circumstances I find myself in.
I find I say things like:
- STOP licking me!
- Stop licking the cat!
- Don’t poke the cat’s bum!
- No, I don’t think cat’s like being in the dishwasher.
- Look, I’m busy and don’t have time to go to the emergency department today, so if you could get off the curtain rail, I’d appreciate it.
- I don’t have time to revive a dying goldfish right now!
- Stop eating the carpet! (One would think this could be “stop eating off the carpet”, another common phrase, but, sadly, no …)
and the most recent …
- No! I do NOT want to look at your LEGO dragon called “Rebecca” while I’m doing a poo!
It’s not just statements I make.
No, sometimes I ask lots of questions. Much like a three-year-old, many of these questions begin with “Why?”
- Why is there popcorn in the Tupperware drawer?
- Why is there a shoe in the washing machine?
- Why is there a biscuit in the dishwasher?
- Why is there a biscuit in the DVD player?
- Why is there carrot in your hair?
- Why is this invitation from last April still in your bag? And this sock … that isn’t even your sock?
- Why is this … oh, never mind, I don’t want to know ..
They don’t all start with “Why?” Sometimes, they are more along the lines of “Can you please explain how …?” and “How the fuck ….?”
Sometimes, I am met with a look of incredulity, as though to say “What’s wrong with eating the carpet?” or “Why? Where would you stick your chicken bone?”
Other times, albeit rarely, realisation dawns on the face of my offspring. This doesn’t necessarily mean I never have to say the same thing again, even later the same day, but still, I feel something, somewhere, has traversed the murky depths of the child’s mind.
There’s lots more … but tell me:
What crazy, ridiculous or weird things have you found yourself saying?