Some women like sex. Really really like it.
I know, here’s me saying shit that many would rather not acknowledge, because first and foremost, there goes the “frigid” stereotype, and how after some arbitrary number of years of marriage wives don’t want to have sex with their husbands any more, and it blows the “good girl” image out of the water.
it’s only “sluts”, right, that like to have sex. Whoa, wait, let me rephrase. It’s only sluts that will have sex with any one and everyone.
The idea of women actually enjoying and wanting to have sex just fucks – pardon the pun – with an awful lot of minds. Not to mention causes multiple shades of grey when it comes to discussions around rape and/or consensual sex.
It’s far, far easier to work with “women don’t want/like it”, and “men can only think with their penises”. Much neater and cleaner, not to mention perpetuating myths about both genders.
This is one reason I get so angry around the semi-regular flare ups about rape and the like. Usually when a white, middle class female is the victim, rarely ever when it is someone of a different (generally lower) class, race or ethnicity, or gender (or non-gender identifier).
Some women do, literally, ask for it. They are aware of the dress code they are aware will attract the outcome they want. Their attire is a communication tool if you will, like semaphore signalling, only with less bits flapping about in the wind.
Same as how males in their late teens, early twenties walk around with their pants halfway down their bums, to signal to others that they are available (to other males) for sex. Only we’re cool with that being the original form of code, originating in American prisons, and it being adopted by the Cool Kids as just something, well, cool.
And no longer meaning “fuck me up the bum”.
Nor does it mean that a woman is asking for sex just because she dresses in a way that you – or whomever – decides is a signal that she does. Even if she is one of these women who does like sex, it does not mean she wants you to stick your penis in her because you deemed her attire to be telling you otherwise.
You know what else happens? When it comes to sex?
There is – not always, not in every circumstance, but in many – intimacy. There is love.
There is a connection with another person; some use words like ‘soul mate’ or ‘life partner’ and others. There is a feeling of safety and comfort, of desire, of contentment, and all sorts of warm fuzzies.
It is in these moments, in the privacy of our own relationships, that we say and do things with our partners. Special things, fun things, memory making things … intimate things that are meant for their eyes – and other body parts, for sure – only.
It is done, and can be done, because there is something I believe is greater than Love at play here: Trust.
You can have trust without love, but I don’t believe you can have love, connection, relationships of the intimate persuasion or otherwise, without trust.
Of the things that makes me angry about women and sex: the refusal to acknowledge that women can and do enjoy it; that women are asking for it because of they way they dress; that women are frigid if they don’t want to have sex, is the fact that a woman can send intimate photos of herself – not pornographic, not disgusting nor disturbing – under the comforting blanket weaved of Love and Trust, and have it go so horribly wrong in so many ways.
I need to check in with you at this point.
If you’re thinking “Well, if she’s sexting someone, she got what she deserved?”, or that she’s stupid for sending nudes via smartphone and “should” know better, and you’re sticking to that thought, you can leave now. Go on, click away. Bugger off. You won’t cope with what’s next and I really, really don’t want to hear, nor care for, your simplistic, stubborn, sanctimonious discourse. I really don’t.
Because if you’re thinking that, you have missed the point about the component of life and of relationships that is at their very core.
And I’m not going to explain it again.
For those of you still here … When that trust is abused in the form of blackmail, that’s just really shitty. Ok, “really shitty” isn’t at all acceptable in the circumstances.
A gross understatement, really.
Having become somewhat of an internet celebrity, thanks to a little C word I like to call “cushions”, a friend of mine whom I will call Cate Bolt, for that is her name, was advised by her former partner that he would share the tastefully intimate photos of her with the world, unless she paid him to not.
In short, he blackmailed her.
To the tune of $10,000.
Those of you who know or have heard of Cate will know she does really fkn amazing things. Aside from embroidering swear words onto soft furnishings.
In her spare time, she manages an orphanage in Indonesia, which was inspired by the fact that tweenage girls were being sold as sex slaves. You know, small children of primary school aged being forced to have sex with adult males. And they aren’t even dressed “slutty”.
So, that $10k is a big deal for those kids in that orphanage. It provides them such luxuries as shelter, food, safety, and not being raped.
More than this, however, is something many women (and men, I don’t want to be accused of being sexist or something else that detracts from the point of this post) experience is having control of their own lives being ripped from their bosom.
Which is a fabulous segue, a quite unintentional one, into What Cate Did Next.
She decided to stop being controlled, and to take that specific control back.
Then she put a fabulously positive spin on it, but starting her Get Over Tit campaign, which has so many layers it could be a Pinterest-worthy cake.
Rather than let her ex-boyfriend have the control of the photos she sent him (let’s not even go down the path of copyright infringement and the blatant reposting of photos that aren’t your own) she figured she’d simply not pay him, and share them with the world herself.
A humanitarian with an entrepreneurial mind, turning it into some sort of format that would assist in raising funds for the orphanage makes a great deal of sense.
There are also the matters many of us experience. Things like women of a certain age and/or of certain child-bearing status (i.e. women with kids) being considered unsuitable to exposing any parts of their bodies, and they simply cannot and should not be seen as intimate – or dare I say desirable, or *gasp* sexy – in any way.
They should also know better, and be more responsible and all sorts of other stuff that I stopped hearing after the words “mothers” and “should” in the same sentence.
Let’s not forget that women of certain body proportions, or whom have fatty deposits of any size in predetermined unacceptable places should not consider taking photos of themselves at all, much less forcing them onto others.
Shall we also mention that men are unable to control themselves when there’s boobs, or even mention of boobs, and there are many – mostly women – in the community who are so grossly offended by boobs.
So overwhelmed they are by their own offense that they are more appalled at the mere hint of boob than they are offended by six year old girls being fucked by grown men.
(Dare I mention that some of these grown men are of the white-middle class ilk, and very, very like the husbands of the women who are vocal in their disgust at Cate and her campaign).
Anyhoo, I went a little ranty there because, well, I’m angry at the world right now and very frustrated by it. Partly because of the things I mentioned in the last three or so paragraphs.
What I really want to do is to help Cate not only do all these wonderful things like enhancing body confidence, inspiring others, providing safe places for little girls, I also want to see her reach the $10,000 mark.
I’d also really like to see a whole bunch of people Get Over Tit … whatever Tit (or It) may be for them.
Whether you think she was asking for it or not … in fact, if you do, why are you still here? Did we not discuss this way back?
Anyhoo, get behind Cate because she’s doing awesome things for a lot of people, and deserves some good in her life.
You can read more about Get Over Tit and what it’s all about here. Any and all profit raised will be go directly to the orphanage.
If you want to know more about the orphanage, visit the Foundation 18 Indonesia site.
And thanks … also, share the love. Ta.
Photo credit: I totally took these images from Cate’s Instagram and Facebook profiles. I hope she’s ok with it, but I’m sure she’ll tell me if she’s not.
Disclaimer: I also haven’t been paid to write this. I wasn’t even asked to. I just did because there are so many things that resonate with me, and it provided me with an outlet to discuss them. So thanks, Cate. Love ya.