In light of all the fun (I use the term loosely) I had with my dearly beloved and the Christmas Present Wrapping Festivities of earlier, I came up with a list of people who should be rounded up and
shot sent away to Arsehead Island for a while.
People who say “I don’t want anything”
I don’t care. It is Christmas and a time of giving, and I, personally, like to use this opportunity to say “thanks” for whatever it is you have done for me this year, or just say “I love you”. Of course, I don’t have to at this time of year, but I choose to.
When you say “I don’t care” you are depriving me of doing something that makes me happy. So fuck off and tell me what you want. You’re creating more stress than necessary.
People who say “this will do” during the purchase and/or wrapping process
“It’s the thought that counts.” Bullshit … you have put no thought into this at all, and you are depriving one person of feeling just a little bit special and loved.
I know I’m a bit over the top with this “gifts” thing and not everyone is like it, but a little effort really is appreciated.
People who are so angsty about car parks that they yell at you and won’t move out of the way when you are trying to leave the place because you were organised!
I just want to leave. Please get out of my way. I know you’re paranoid, but, really, not everyone is after your spot.
People who are trying to return the biscuit cutters they purchased because they are the “wrong shape” and have opened the packet, and do not have a receipt, then throw the cutters at the chicks behind the counter
Check the shapes before your purchase. Or, I dunno, maybe try being a bit spontaneous and give different shaped cutters a go. Or keep your receipt.
The absolute arseheads who open the little packs of Lego Minifigures and either steal the little person inside and/or put the opened pack back in the box … you are an arsehead!
I don’t like you much at all. The whole point of the minifigures is the surprise and it’s no one else’s fault your child is a spoilt little arsehead brat and that you can’t cope with a frigging $4.50 minifigure tanty because “it’s not they one little Brohdee wanted”.
It is disappointing and annoying when you go to grab some and half the figging packs are open, and you get to the checkout and discover, despite your efforts, that you have managed to grab an opened and pilfered pack and have to leave your 3 year old at the checkout and race back to get an in tact pack for your kids because they can cope with not getting exactly what they want.
You are an arsehead!
Those who affect a grumpy nature at this time of year, every year, as though it is expected of them
It’s psychosomatic people. This means “it is all in your head”. Get some help for that, ok? Preferably before next year. Thanks.
The overly cheery
If you’re going to be so fucking bright and festive, the least you could do is share your prozac milkshakes or hash cookies with the rest of us, ok?
Or stop faking it and get on the boat with the rest of the Grumps.