I am renowned, so renowned it deserves a renowned!, for sweating the small stuff. I will grasp on to a somewhat insignificant thing, and talk it over and over and over. To anyone and everyone. Whether they want to hear it or not.
And even when they’re sick of hearing it, and I know they are. I’ll still bring it up.
It’s really fucking annoying, to be honest. Mostly for everyone who has to listen to be bang on about the same stuff over and over again.
Really. Fucking. Annoying.
It’s one of those things I’m aware I do, but can’t seem to stop.
There is a reason I do it. Several reasons, in fact. Aside from it being a habit I can’t seem to shake.
Possibly the most superficial explanations is that I just want to be heard. To be acknowledged.
Most of us are like that though, so, really, it’s a bit of a silly reason to keep banging on about stuff.
In more than one instance, it seems that I may well be going on and on about the same thing, for months, even a year or more.
In these instances, what is really going on is a series of incidents. A miscommunication that led to accusations that led to gossip that led to slander that led to being ostracised from networking groups.
Each time I had “got over” (the accusations) I’d be confronted with yet another hurdle from someone else’s agenda.
I see how it seems, from the outside, that I need to “move on”. It’s hard, though, when you’ve worked so hard to get where you are, to be knocked back so far – two steps forward, 107 steps back – and to have to rebuild all your relationships, your status, your hard work, just to get back to where you started in the first place.
Sometimes, it’s the connections between things that I can see. It seems I’m finding flaw in the minor, but these is a small thing that can have a profound difference further down the track. I have spent a lot of years, and lot of time and energy on doing the best thing I can for the target audience of the many and varied businesses, from the small to the enormous.
A word here, a button on the left instead of the right, a blue icon instead of a green, although appearing insignificant can make things easier or harder for the person who is on the end of these decisions. And I can be a bit fanatical and stubborn about it at times.
Again, I can be told to get over it, or let it go, or move on … but I care, and, mostly, I see the link between the two quite clearly. Also, I care. I don’t know why I care so much, but I do.
It’s the care too much that is possibly the main reason I sweat the small stuff.
Because I am aware of how little impact I can have on changing the world. Of how I can’t be all things to all people, and I can’t fix all the problems.
If I’m honest, I can’t fix even one problem. I can change the view of a single person, perhaps, or show a different perspective.
I can buy a homeless person a toasted sandwich and a large coffee, but I can’t fix his homelessness, much less the homelessness situation in general.
I can’t improve or increase the mental health services we have available in this country, or stop people being highly offended because someone chooses to breastfeed their baby. Or not.
Sometimes, there are much bigger, more significant things on my mind … So many things …
From financial issues and worries, wondering if my job will go in the next round of restructures, to assessments for autism, researching beds a teenager can’t hang himself from, worrying about the mental health of the teens that come through my house and walking that extremely fine line between letting you know you are there for them, and being “just another untrustworthy adult” … and just all the things going on with family and friends and so many things I cannot do anything about.
Most times, I sweat the small stuff, as it gives me something to focus on that I can do something about. And where I can’t do something about it, it is far, far easier to make a choice … and to let it go.
Sweating the small stuff helps me keep my head above water, to feel as though I am making progress, and gives me a sense, however small, of control.